Just smuggled in from Rhodesia...
INTERVIEW WITH
ROBERT

MUGABE

An exclusive interview with enlightened maniac Robert Mugabe 


by our ace girl reporter Rachel Prejudice - (right)

Scene: Mr.Mugabe's private small office. Marble flooring and medieval tapestries bought from UNESCO funds make the place look really neat.

Rachel Predjudice (RP): Hello Mr. Mugabe, President of Zimbabwe.

Robert Mugabe (RM): Dat is President for Life White girl.

RP: Sorry about that Mr. President for Life. I want to talk to you about the last elections.....er...

Armed men of the ever-popular Zimbabwean Electoral Scrutineers Squad (ZESS) storm into the room and search everywhere including our reporter for hidden mikes and camcorders. Finding nothing, they leave.

RM: Sorry about dat, dey de men from the Pest Control Autority. Lookin' for di damned cockroaches what we beat at the last elec...sorry dat infest di place.

RP: Oh I see. Well what about the allegations of vote rigging?

RM: Dat is a damned lie and prefabrication! Dem elections were di best in the Democratic histry of di world. As for de rigging, I ain't even got a boat. Well de Zimbabwean Navy currently constructing a converted skateboard, but oderwise - no damned rigging.

RP: What about the fact that some opposition voters were dragged to the polling stations at the back of tanks and tractors then accompanied by armed men, and forced to vote for you?

RM: Dat another indelible lie. They just taking advantage of our generous free public transport. Den being unable to write we help dem mark di 'X' in di right place- namely next to my name. Don't want di damned peasants voting for di other lot whatever dey called.

RP: But what about the United Nations observers reports?

RM: Di damn U.N got no right to poke dere big noses in. Some of them looked damned White to me, even di black ones. What chance dere for di fair election?

RP: What about the eviction of White farmers from their homes and farms?

RM: Nobody got evicted. We just booted out de Capitalist white farmers and gave di land to the ever popular war veterans who are now squatting on di property and building top notch sheds from tractor parts which they can live in in de sublime comfort which no longer di perogative of di rotten Western high society.

RP: What about all the opposition politicians who disappeared during the elections?

RM: Dey ain't dissapeared, dey just taking di well earned vacation which all my opponents get at the ever popular "Robert Mugabe Rest and Recreation Camps".

RP: What about the famine that is reported due to the White farmers delivering dare - sorry their crops?

RM: Dats just typical of di damned White plutocrats. Wrecking dere own farms and then starting di ever watched for famine, hunger and disease. Dey causing the Four Horsemen of the Appopolox to bring down di locusts and to rain on poor Zimbabwe, dats why I'm kicking the lot od them out.

RP:What about the statistic that 30% of the Black population of Rhodesia...

RM: Watch your mouf girl!

RP: er...sorry, Zimbabwe, are HIV positive

RM: Dats a good thing - they all getting they HIV licences and soon be driving all over Africa like di mad things bringing in di much needed exports which vital for my personal life style.

RP: Well thank you Mr. Mugabe. That's great. Do my manacles come off now?

RM: We leave it a little while and see what your famous paper prints!

Interview ends



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